If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Right. Try telling that to a runner. No, wait. Try telling that to a runner who tends toward anxiety and see what happens next.
If a little is good, then more must be better.
Maybe true, and you won’t know until you test it, right?
If more isn’t helping, even more must be better. In different shoes.
Here is where the line has been crossed.
Where It Goes Wrong
Last week in Part I I spoke about the powerful positive effect that running (and other exercise) can have on anxiety management and how relieving it is to be engaged in something that allows us to feel truly like ourselves. Both biologically and psychologically, we’re put in a place that we don’t want to leave.
Thinking about my own experiences, I can see now that it’s the feeling of power and strength that becomes addictive. It’s a feeling we not only want to keep, but want to build on in the hopes that “more” will make the experience even better.
We set goals and set out to accomplish them. We probably don’t realize that our anxiety is already activated just by setting the goal, but rather we experience it at first as strong motivation, excitement, and determination. It doesn’t have to go badly at this point, but if we aren’t careful and self aware, our anxiety can take over, and, the “thing” (running) that was helping us feel good may now become the focus of our fear and anxious feelings.
While what I write here might seem black versus white or healthy versus unhealthy, the changes can be subtle and gradual enough so that they aren’t noticeable in the moment.
I’ve found myself on many points of the spectrum at different times in my life as a runner. Currently, I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle headed toward the healthy side. At my worst, leading up to my experience at the Marine Corps Marathon in 2013, my anxiety had completely taken over my running. A combination of compulsive behavior, lack of knowledge and experience, and a fear of “giving up” led to my worst injury – severe posterior tibial tendonitis.
I healed from the injury and began to approach my running in a healthier way, but, it has only been within the past 6 months or so that I’ve fully recognized and started to understand these feelings and how they led to that breakdown.
How We Fall
We don’t “fall” in just one way, but rather through a combination of factors influencing our decisions around running. I believe one of the first things that can start to trigger anxiety in a bad way is fixating on numbers in order to attempt to measure our running in various ways.
It could be weekly mileage, daily mileage, percentage increase in weekly mileage, calories burned, pace, pace improvement, the number of days of “workouts” versus easy runs, or the number of days run per week or rest days per week/month. I focused on many of these numbers and “needed” to get them right. I felt a sense of relief when I “got it in.”
Looking back I can recognize that I started going overboard when I tried to only take one rest day every other week in the fall of 2012. It sounds completely absurd to me now, but I became fixated on so many “running numbers” and would set arbitrary goals that had nothing to do with my improvement as a runner, but were only satisfying an obsessive/compulsive tendency.
If we keep going with anxiety leading us, the idea that we need to run a certain number of fill-in-the-blank, begins to take over our training and even our lives.
I know there were many times I ran even though I was sick or feeling pain simply because I anticipating that the feeling of NOT running would be worse than whatever pain I experienced running. There were times I ran only because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to the next day. To remain calm I would “hoard” miles by running whatever number I thought I needed to before I was potentially stopped from doing so. Other days I ran longer than planned because I told myself I should use all my free time to run as many miles as possible.
All of these things made it impossible for me to stick to a normal training plan. I would rewrite a training plan several times and never actually follow it, always doing more. It made me feel good to be “ahead” of my training plan. But, just like “banking time” at the beginning of a marathon backfires, banking miles is also a bad idea.
I was scared that if I didn’t get in a certain number of miles, I might never run again and I would lose all my fitness. My thinking was extreme and not at all logical. I think somewhere deep down I knew I was overtrained and was scared that if I stopped, I’d never start again. One thing I DID realize was that I didn’t trust myself and felt I needed to be pushed too far in order to accomplish what I wanted to. The thing that made me feel strong and confident was now exposing my weaknesses and insecurities.
What Happens
It amazes me how long people can go on, myself included, in a phase in their running lives when anxiety is in the lead. Many injuries can be managed for a long time before the body really breaks down, and runners who are slaves to anxiety will put up with and even welcome a lot of physical and emotional pain before slowing down their running.
But what happens before your body and mind completely break down? Why slow down or stop? A few things I’ve noticed with myself that I don’t like thinking about come to mind.
First, running is treated like the priority above ACTUAL priorities. I was always TOO aware of how various activities, events, etc would impact my running, to the point where I was sort of always worried about things coming up. I think this is one of those signs that only the runner, and perhaps close family members, will be able to see.
When life revolves around running, and you have other things in your life that are truly more important than running, something is wrong! I could not and did not want to see that this was happening to me for a long time. I would think to myself “once this race is over, things will be different” and then they wouldn’t change. Instead, I would get scared of slowing down, that my “runner identity” would be taken away. Beneath that, I was avoiding of all the “real stuff” in my life that was making me anxious to begin with. I wrote about some of those things here.
Second, you can’t ignore some signs that you’re struggling. It can happen slowly, or seem slow at first before many signs pop up together, indicating the breakdown of the body and mind as a result of overtraining and anxiety.
Injuries persist or don’t heal even after resting (or we realize the elliptical, bike, or barre class isn’t rest, and we cannot REALLY rest), we’re sleeping poorly, feeling exhausted, possibly losing weight or even gaining, feeling more anxious, depressed, confused, and the sense that we’re doing something very wrong but don’t know how to fix it.
We might still think that a new training approach or plan, a new race goal, or even new shoes or working on form will help. But, if we’re truly caught in the throes of unhealthy and obsessive running, no motivator, pick-me-up, advice, or treatment will work. We have to address the root of the problem.
How We Can Continue Running in a Healthy Way
I don’t believe that if you’ve been in an unhealthy pattern with running that you need to stop running forever! If we started out in a healthy way and only gradually moved to the other side, I think it’s possible to get back to a good place, though it will require a lot of honesty and hard work (and not the kind we’re used to!)
Next Week in Part III of my series I’ll talk about keeping our running a positive tool for anxiety management, even if you’re over on the unhealthy side of the spectrum.
Have you experienced a period of unhealthy running/exercise?
What helped you recognize that your running/exercise had become unhealthy?
Hi! I'm Michele. Paleo eater and recipe creator, runner, and mom of 3. Welcome to my blog, where we obsess over all of it and love every minute! (It's way fun over here, promise.) Stay a while to eat, run, and rant with me! 
I feel like you were righting about me. This was exactly me before my injury. That feeling of hoarding miles and feeling anxious I wouldn’t get them in tomorrow. All me. And not wanting to take rest days too. Crazy how it overcomes you. I feel like I’m more aware of it now. But I still struggle with anxiety of not being able to workout.
I still struggle with it too, but I think like you the awareness of it is very helpful, along with a true desire to stay healthy. I don’t think people with this tendency need to quit exercise altogether, but it will always take some effort to stay on the healthy side where exercise is a positive tool.
Another great post. I think that for many, running becomes a “safe” place, whether it be one filled with anxiety or otherwise. We become almost addicted to the worry as a substitute for what we should actually be concerned with. Taxes? Sorry, I have to go foam roll the crap out of my calf, it felt a little bit icky on my run today. Poverty? My hamstring might not be ok for my marathon next month. We can hide from the real world in our anxiety regarding our running.
Spot on! It’s tough to recognize in the moment and even when we recognize it it’s really tough to stop it. For me, money, health and the future scare the crap out of me and running is a distraction that’s made me feel strong. In small doses, fine, but it can easily get out of control without the awareness.
Knowing how I feel after just one run, I have no idea how people run high mileage everyday. I need to do other things and I think that having such a wide mix of fitness in my life, I don’t become too obsessed with one certain thing.
With the exception of elite runners, running high mileage every day is just unnecessary and probably unhealthy. Having a wide mix of fitness is good both mentally and physically I think. Also I’ve found that focusing on non-fitness and food related outlets can be really helpful too! When I’ve gotten caught up in running I’ve forgotten about other interests like reading and music.
Yes, I’ve been to that unhealthy place and the recognition, more than likely, was an injury and/or an overall feeling of no matter how far or how fast it wasn’t enough.
Great read Michele.
I remember feeling the same way after qualifying for Boston (and I was already caught in it) just almost panicking about needing a new goal. Glad you related, I think many people how found themselves there at some point!
When I think back since I started working out regularly I think that I had the most unhealthy relationship with exercise before I started training for races regularly. I actually think that the training gave me a better guideline of working out and always included rest days. Before that, I was definitely in a “more is better” mindset of exercising. I would spend hours at the gym and sometimes work out 7 days a week. Once I followed a training plan I was varying my time spend working out more. I still think I can go overboard with mileage and I can definitely relate to “banking” miles while training, but overall I think running has helped me to develop a more positive relationship with exercising. There is still plenty of room for improvement and I think the past few months have taught me alot as I have stopped training for anything and started making smarter decisions for the long-term.
Thinking about long-term is so key. When we’re ruled by anxiety it’s really tough to realistically consider the long term so we often just ignore it. Running really can be a healthy thing when we train appropriately and don’t let it control us. As you said though it’s an ongoing learning process.
Hello! I have just recently found your blog, and this post really spoke to me. I struggle with general anxiety, and exercise is one of the areas that teeters between bringing relief and inducing more anxiety. In order to set a new goal for myself I thought I would try jogging instead of walking (I am so novice I can’t even call it running, ha ha!!). Sure enough, trying to figure how often and how long to jog became a source of anxiety. Your post and the other comments make me realize I am not alone. Thank you for advice on how to healthily incorporate running in to your routine. I look forward to your next installment!
Hi Vanessa, glad to hear from you and happy to hear that you related and found this helpful. I decided to write about it after realizing that SO many people experience this or something similar. You are definitely not alone! I do think there are ways we can keep it helpful and healthy and I’ll talk about that in the post next week 🙂
i have totally had my bouts with anxiety and with over-exercise… my husband likes to point out how much i workout currently, but he has no idea how much i used to work out! the funny thing is that we met while training for an ironman, and i’m sure you can guess that those races involve some serious training. well, he is just one of those people that can skip working out all week and then run a marathon no problem. of course not fast, but he’s got amazing strength. i have to train, and when i did both ironman races, it was perfect for me to have an excuse to always be training. it certainly fed my addiction of “more is better” mentality.
these days i just try to give myself limits, like 30-60 minutes of workout X and workout Y or something. i love moving my body and it always makes me feel good, so finding the happy medium is key.
love this series, Michele. so thought provoking 🙂
My husband is similar in that he doesn’t run consistently but can run a 15k on no training at all. I always say that there’s no way I could do that, and that’s one of the reasons I train hard, but, that may partially be a justification 🙂 I agree that always having a race to look forward to justifies the hard training. Agree that setting limits and realizing the tendency to push too hard and reject it is helpful for people like us. Glad you’re enjoying this!
It’s so great that you’re self aware enough to recognize all this! That’s the key to managing underlying anxiety issues. For me, anything that crosses over into my daily life, affecting the way I sleep, eat, work, relationships, etc becomes something that I need to address. Like, go to a counselor, a doctor, etc. Otherwise, it’s something that I manage. It isn’t black and white, it’s a dance in and out and around the grey areas as we wander through this crazy life!
So true that addressing the underlying problems is the key to managing all of it, and it does require that honesty that can be tough! Definitely not black and white as you said, and nothing is! Sounds like you have a good awareness too, I suppose we have to discover that at some point to move forward.
It’s great that you wrote about this, Michele. I’ve definitely been in a place where I was addicted to exercise and doing -way- more than I should have been. And what you said about things gradually moving from a healthy place into an unhealthy one so that you don’t even realize it is spot on… I honestly didn’t even see a problem with it until my body literally shut down on me. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress, but it’s also a big -source- of stress for the body, so finding that sweet spot is key to maintaining physical and mental health… even though the process of learning it can be a big pain in the butt 😆
You are so right with all of that – finding that sweet spot really is the goal and yet so difficult for some people, myself included for sure! And I do believe it’s possible to learn and move forward, but that process is definitely not always pretty and a pain in the butt like you said.
i love this post ! i thought of two things immediately upon reading.
1. funny how the thing that makes me “good” at running is the fact that i am so type a and determined and goal oriented/one foot in front of the other person is ALSO the thing that makes it so bad for me since i’m not into resting much, have anxiety about mileage, etc.
2. for me….i noticed this first in someone else. a girl i go to the gym with was just in my mind seriously nutso about running. it was all she did, she never took rest, ran in awful conditions, etc. BUT she ran marathons. my boyfriend pointed out i was the same way at times and i said no that’s silly i ONLY run up to a half. how could i be doing anything bad to my body by not resting if i was only doing “half” of what others were doing, etc. i really had to stop and realize how truly stupid that sounded coming out of my mouth. it was a semi eye opener at the time.
I’m so glad you are writing about this !
I can relate to all that you said! I’ve often thought how it’s the same traits that make us “good” that also have the most potential to hurt us. I also think it’s easier to see things in others. I’ve noticed myself feeling “bothered” by certain people for displaying behaviors that were really going on with me, it’s funny that it can be hard to realize that we’re projecting.
Glad you’re enjoying and relating to this 🙂
Exercise very much helped me deal with anxiety in the past, but I absolutely took it too far in the beginning and it became a cause of anxiety for me. Now I wonder if I’m almost too relaxed about it! So hard to find that balance sometimes! Glad you are feeling like you’re in a better place these days.
It’s tough to get rid of black and white thinking and be comfortable with balance. I think we’re all striving 🙂
I come from a world where people don’t work out at all or not enough, so it’s strange to be a part of the HLB community where two a days is par for the course and one rest day a week is the norm. It seems excessive, and I’m glad you pointed out how easily and innocently this can happen, especially for folks who like to feel in control. Penning my daily to do lists help give me that sense of control, although I’ve long since learned I need to be happy whether I cross everything off it or not. Nowadays they give me structure without pressure so long as I manage my expectations.
Managing expectations and being comfortable even if it doesn’t all get done is hard, especially for those who feel that urge to control. I think seeing behaviors in others in the HLB community helped me look at my own from another perspective and it helped my awareness. There are a lot of mixed messages, I know I’ve sent some myself without realizing, and it can be really confusing to find that balance we all seem to want to strive for. Hint to myself – It’s hard to feel balanced when you are acting extreme!
It is hard. It’s damn hard but being aware of something and being willing to correct and act upon it takes a lot of courage. Too many people embrace their current situation because it’s easier. Give yourself a pat on the back or a swat on the ass for being willing to like internally and make adjustments if necessary. I applaud you for this.
You are too awesome and too kind 🙂 Thanks! And you are right, this stuff is tough!
I like to focus on long term and the bigger picture-This helps to keep me in a good place. I can’t imagine taking only one rest day every couple of weeks…Oh my! That must have been such an overwhelming time for you. The “run all the miles” gets to me sometimes, but i’m pretty good at managing it..having a plan to stick to makes me feel in control of what I’m doing and in the end, that’s what seems to work for me.
Focusing on the big picture and long term health is great for perspective. When I was overtraining I was super focused on qualifying for Boston (or so I thought) but then after I did I was so confused and feeling empty because I had lost the big picture completely. In the beginning it was like a game to see how much I could run, I just didn’t think about reality until it hit hard.
A few years ago I lost my niece to cancer. She was admitted and passed away at the hospital I work at. I used running and exercise to cope with the loss and I decided to also sign up for a triathlon. I was working out like a beast going before work for about an hour and half and then after work for another 2.5 hours. I looked so unhealthy and friends started noticing. I kept telling myself that this was how I could deal with my issues but I went overboard. I see it now but it was hard to realize at the time. Thank you for sharing this post. It really hit home.
Thanks for sharing your experience of such a terrible and sad thing to have gone through. I do think so many people turn to exercise when life gets tough thinking it will help, and then because the real pain isn’t addressed it can spiral. Glad you related to this but so sorry for what you went through!
i definitely get this friend. I used to be a number girl and running insane amounts. But oh how times have changed, and it was due to an illness and injury. Anxiety went out the door. But one step at a time, you will find the right CALM path
One step at a time, you are so right. And I think we have to really choose health as well, not just pretend to choose it (to ourselves) like I’ve done in the past. It’s one step forward and one back but headed toward a much better place 🙂