Most of my “Thinking Out Loud” posts are born from thoughts I’ve had while running. This morning while running my usual 4 miles, I started thinking about how my relationship with running has taken a huge turn since the time I began writing this blog in April 2014.
I debated whether to share this post at all since parts of it run deep, but I decided to go for it, and hope that some of you can relate. Here are my thoughts and reflections, uncensored, on my past running addiction and where it’s left me.
My Complicated Relationship with Running – Reflections on My Running Addiction
The weather is a bit cooler this week, which made me realize that it’s the first fall in 5 years that I’m not training for a race. This made me reflect on how my relationship with running has changed over the past three years.
Three years ago, I was addicted to running. I don’t believe that’s being dramatic – I’d run myself into very unhealthy mental/physical territory out of a desire to escape things going on in my real life.
It was an attempt to feel free and gain a sense of self and identity while being home with 3 very young kids, but it took on a life of its own. When I say “addiction” I’m referring to the following:
1.) A compulsive, growing NEED to run in order to achieve a runner’s “high” – which I believed was how I “should” feel.
2.) Obsessive thoughts about planning runs, races, a general obsession with running that went beyond what a typical hobby might.
3.) A belief that I was “meant to be” a distance runner and had found my life’s purpose.
4.) Depression, anxiety, achiness, and generally feeling like garbage on my “rest” days and even easy/short run days.
5.) Prioritizing running above health (I ran sick and injured), safety (I ran in the dark on icy roads), and complete denial that there was anything wrong with doing that. Also, prioritizing running above nearly all other activities
6.) Anxiety about potentially not being able to run for whatever reason, even if I knew I basically ran no matter what.
7.) Needing to run more challenging distances, routes, etc to achieve the same runner’s high over time.
I could go on. Having a running addiction is a full time job! The strange thing? It’s not all bad. I don’t look back at that time and cringe (well, maybe a little) – because I had some amazing runs, experiences, and learned a whole lot about myself in the process. It was a huge period of growth for me in my adult life and I actually wouldn’t change anything about it at all.
Where Am I Now?
The complicated part with my relationship with running, is that this intense period really only went on for about 2 years total. Prior to that, I ran with a healthy mentality and approach for about 6 years, and I would say that for the past 1-2 years I’ve gone back to that healthy place.
So, I’ve definitely had many more healthy running years in total, yet it’s still impossible to simply “erase” the unhealthy time and not ever compare my training now to what it was then.
The documentation is there – so many of my running and “life” posts written during the first year and a half with the blog show exactly what I went through.
A Paleo diet – and the blog itself – played large roles in finally allowing me to see that my running had gotten out of control and my approach was misguided.
I had several turning-point-moments over about a year and a half – the last one was after the NYC marathon last year.
Something clicked for me after that race. I realized that even though I was “technically” healthy in most regards, my priorities were off and my relationships with Adam and the kids didn’t feel right. By the time I ran Boston last year, I knew I was ready to move on from what running had been for me for years.
And here I am now – still running 4-5 mornings per week and wondering if I’ll ever feel the strong urge to sign up for a race again. Do I love running? Not really – at least not passionately. I enjoy running when I do it, but don’t want to spend too much time or thought on it for now.
I feel the difference in how I interact with my kids and Adam on a daily basis. I feel present in my life (cliché, yet true.) Some might say that building this blog/business has replaced running (I’ve said it myself) and that’s not totally wrong – but the blog/working is not an unhealthy addiction. It feels as though a hobby-turned-career should, I think – like work that’s fun, for the most part.
Am I a picture of health now that my running addiction is in the past? No, I’m not. I’ll always have my “things” – don’t we all? For me it’s sleep, stress, anxiety. That all said, I’m happier right now than I’ve been since, well, possibly ever.
Where is your running now versus a few years ago?
Did you go through an unhealthy period with running/fitness?
What helps you stay balanced?
I appreciate these posts for sure. thank you for sharing something so personal. I go through phases when I have zero interest in races but I still keep my routine. I have yet to run a marathon (as you know) and I may never do it. I don’t really care to train longer and although I like to improve my time for other distances, I don’t really care.that.much. when my son was first born, I do remember refusing a treadmill being bought for my house since I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym and I said no – I was completely afraid that the treadmill in my house would take me away from my baby/make me feel guilty if I couldn’t get on it. that’s the thought that pops into my head from reading your post. I helped myself prevent an issue back then that may have come to be
That’s an interesting thought about having a treadmill in the house! I actually had one in my house growing up and never used it really but would stare at it and feel lazy, so that makes sense. I think you are a great example of someone who loves running and runs the distances that feel right, never in an unhealthy way or giving into pressure of any sort.
So much love for you. I have never been addicted to running/.fitness in such a way, but I understand what it feels like to be obsessed or consumed by something like that–for me, it was food, and my need to avoid the things that would make me feel bad. Now, my mentality is o very different, and for me, running changed that–it helped me relinquish the control that I needed to relinquish.
I’ve had the shift that you are talking about as well–Running became my riding. Fitness became my architecture. Don’t burn out on your passions–but continue to enjoy them.
That’s interesting that running has helped your unhealthy mentality around food, I think in a way it’s the opposite for me! Underneath it all though, it’s the same stuff we are trying to get away from I guess. I like the idea of allowing passions to lead to other things and hate that feeling of burnout when something I loved feels forced.
Absolutely. Wonderful post. Thanks for sharing … it is interesting, you are always (including now) very measured in how you say things – some people just have ‘verbal diarrhea’, and tend to overshare – so it takes a bit of reading to really ‘get’ to the core of what you are trying to say. But it is there – perhaps moe in this post than in many of the posts you linked (especially the very oblique 2014 stuff).
I am very glad that nothing bad happened – there are too many tales of marriages forever damaged due to obsessive behaviors like this can become.
I am always amazed at my ‘running awakening’ – how I had been a non-social, 12-15 miles/week runner for 23 years before I actually ran in the daylight, started racing, and running with others. It is incredible the things I learned about the various ways running is a part of people’s lives.
And for me after hitting so many goals that first year, the following year I felt like I needed to find myself, and then finally settled into a comfortable place. And that is where I remain:
– I love running, and still do 50-75 miles/week.
– It is NOT my highest priority – I have never missed anything in order to do a run.
– I haven’t run a big race in a couple of years (see above) … I will likely do some next year, but who really cares.
And most of all I love LOVE running, and hope it is part of my life for another 28 years!
Thanks Mike! It was a strange post to write since I don’t talk running much lately, but I’ve been thinking about it so had to get it out. And it’s sort of tough to express what I’m saying without sharing TOO much – I assume everyone must have reasons/specifics they can fill in to the “blanks” and still relate. I’m glad you’re still doing what you love and running healthy!
I think until I got injured last year and was forced to take a break from fitness, I didn’t realize how obsessed I had become with having it everyday. It was very eye opening and in that regard, I am thankful for that injury teaching me that lesson and now I’m in a much better place. Thank you for sharing this!
It’s interesting what leads to these moments where we gain back perspective! I think after my injury years ago I actually became more obsessed with injury prevention – I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, in a way. Glad things are better now for you too 🙂
While I’ve never been addicted to it, I would say that I let it become a part of my personality, almost too much. It wasn’t until I was injured last year that I realized yes, there is more to life. I can combine running with other hobbies/priorities and not sway too far to one side, or use running in an unhealthy way. Running doesn’t have to be everything, and I (oddly) feel more mentally more stable and relaxed when it’s not.
Not odd at all – I totally get it! The runner’s identity is very much encouraged in the community itself and it’s easy to lose perspective on everything I think.
I’ve definitely gone through periods of having a crazy unhealthy relationship with fitness in the past, and it was actually a pretty high part of my ED as well. I still remember feeling like a slave to it, and the crazy anxiety I’d experience if I didn’t fulfill my daily quota. Ugh. It was a pretty sad time, and not something I ever want to go back to. I still love being active and feel way better than if I’m just sitting around all the time, but now I do it because it makes me feel great, not because I’m afraid of -not- doing it… if that makes sense. And I totally know what you mean about the blog becoming another outlet for passion.
I definitely remember that feeling of the “quota” and really obsessed about weekly mileage and mileage in general. I think I thought I’d lose my fitness and have nothing I was “good” at if I didn’t run “enough” miles each week, ugh. And I totally get what you mean by not being afraid of NOT doing it – it’s a huge relief!
Ok, so I resonate with this so so much; I used to be so addicted to running that it was almost miserable, but I Felt that I had to do it. Emily at My Healthyish Life totally did a post about that a couple weeks ago, and it really caused me to stop and think. I haven’t really signed up for a race since Thanksgiving of last year, and surprisingly I’m actually ok with that. I love this Michele, and I’m so thankful for you sharing your journey.
I’m glad you’re okay with it and moving past that phase. It really isn’t a happy place to be overall, even if there is a pride and enjoyment with the running, the fear clouds it.
Thank you for addressing such an interesting yet taboo subject. In a sense, it’s very easy to become obsessed with running, as it is always presented as a “good” thing, more being better. We read stories of this or this person who ran 10 marathons in 10 days and we think “wow!” aren’t they great? But as much as I like having goals in life, I don’t think that more is always better. Running is my main weapon against cystic fibrosis, so yes, I do it regularly. And yes, I do sign up for races at time so it gives me extra motivation to get out of the door almost every morning. But i do believe in staying balanced by listening to my body and respecting it. If my body needs to rest, to heal from an injury or if I am sick, there is no way I can justify putting this extra stress on it. Health is always my main -and long-term- goal.
Yes, definitely an easy thing to cling to since everyone seems to think you’re awesome for doing it, lol! I think in your case your illness gives you great perspective and appreciation for health. And I wish people really understood that more isn’t better! Not great learning the hard way.
I love this so much, Michele. My relationship with running was really unhealthy for about a year, and I decided I needed a break. I took over a half of a year off of running to try to step back and find my life outside of running. It was so hard, especially losing a lot of running fitness, but in the end it made me appreciate running in a different way. Now I’m getting back into the swing of things and looking for a race in the spring, but I try to be gentle with myself and just run because it makes me feel strong 🙂
I definitely relate 🙂 Glad you’ve found a comfortable healthy mentality with running. It can be tough to be gentle on ourselves but the payoff is big!
I think I could tell this was happening for you even though you didn’t come out and say it until now. I think I have had an unhealthy relationship with exercise but I actually think when I really started to love running it shifted my priorities in a good way- I realized the importance of staying healthy so that I continue running, I made sure to take rest days (there was a time when I would go to the gym 7 days a week), I learned more about nutrition to fuel my running…but then I think in the past year I have also allowed running to take a little bit more of a backseat and while its still important its not nearly as much of a focus as it used to be. If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would have to go about 3 months with barely running like i did this summer I don’t think I would have been able to do it. Im glad you have been able to find a balance with everything and found a positive relationship with running!
In hindsight I think starting the blog was a lot about being able to write about an experience that I knew was confusing for me. I wanted an outlet to talk about running but really needed to sort out a lot of feelings! I guess it served its purpose in that way. I think it’s totally fine and normal for running to take a backseat once in a while – I’m that way with all of my hobbies where the passion returns now and then.
This post is fantastic, Michele- It takes such strength to be able to look at your actions and acknowledge them and as such, transform them from an addiction to now something that is not forced. This blog (from the beginning) is a reflection of your strength and growth. I love that you’ve thrown yourself into blogging, but not in a negative light- Your talent and passion shines through.
Thank you Arman, the blog is a real happy place for me now but it saw me through some tough times! Love how blogging is “evidence” of where we’ve been.
I think you’ve come a long way just in the time I’ve been reading your blog. Keep doing self awareness checks and pursue what feels good and right, like the blog. You are doing amazing. I give you two snaps and a twirl.
Lol thanks Meghan, always appreciate your comments and kind words 🙂 you are doing amazing too as a mommy now – definitely something to twirl over!