You know those people who always seem to find a good parking spot? The ones who arrive at their destination late and just seem to “get lucky” every single time while you are stuck circling, waiting, circling again and cursing the world?
Parking spots don’t come easily to me. Parking spots don’t come easily to me and over the past few years I’ve started to understand why. By now you might know what I’m getting at, but either way, read on. Thursdays are for Thinking Out Loud (thanks Amanda!) and this week, after an unfortunately long time looking for a spot on Monday, I’ve been reflecting on what this means for me. Dramatic? Truth? You be the judge!
If you are ever a passenger in the car of “one of those people” you might notice their approach to the whole parking spot issue. It’s fierce. They don’t drive to their destination hoping that something is open or will open up soon. They drive there and park their car. Sometimes it’s as if they carve out their own spot to park in, and sometimes they observe the scene with intent to park and a parking spot opens up from the heavens. It appears that way to me. But really, I think these people are just innately skilled at spotting and grabbing opportunities.
Opportunities kind of scare me, honestly. I certainly don’t jump at them. I am hesitant at best and passive most of the time, “hoping” things will come to me. Although I have recognized this in myself and try to make efforts to act on opportunity when it presents itself, it’s challenging.
It’s not just that I’m afraid of grabbing an opportunity, parking spot or otherwise, it runs deeper than that. Boldly taking a parking spot means I might be taking it away from someone else. So I wait. I don’t even know for what. Some might call people like me “courteous”, but there is a fine line between being thoughtful and being avoidant. I know which side of that line I’m on. Up to this point in my life, I’m much more comfortable letting other people have the spotlight, while I wait, and hope, that someone will “give me permission” and pull me in.
Of course now that I’m a grown-up in all senses, I know all too well that life doesn’t work this way.
Waiting is a good way to watch everyone around you take what you want. Take what might be yours if you knew you deserved it. And you deserve it not because you’re special but because you are human just like anyone else.
How can I learn how to spot opportunities that I don’t easily see? Can you train your brain? Can you practice somehow? I am good at practicing things. I am good at busy work, intellectual curiosity, research and rote memorization. I will be the first one done with a written exam, but I am not good at raising my hand and giving answers. By the time I have any courage to raise my hand, the class is three topics ahead of me.
I haven’t been in school for 9 years, but I am still that student. Just in the real world, now. And of course, in parking lots.
But I have dreams and I’ve turned my dreams into goals. I want to write a book. I’m going to start a business. It took a pound of self discipline to not add the word “hopefully” after the word “business.” And I’m going to pretend I didn’t even say the book thing. I guess I know where I have to begin.
Do you jump at opportunity? Hesitate or have trouble spotting it like I do? How does it feel to “take” things for yourself?
I see those people who seem to get the spot, get the outlet at the airport, or whatever … they are very often a$$holes 🙂
If the choice is between walking a bit more, working a bit harder, or being mean and rude? I will choose the path of kindness every time.
Agree on that, definitely some go-getter types are less than nice. But there are others who are just able to anticipate opportunity or even create it for themselves without actually hurting other people. It’s a skill I want to work on for myself.
I agree with Mike’s comment above! Just because you know what you want and you go after it doesn’t mean that you are doing it in the right way. Either those people are really lucky or they will just push other people down to get what they want.
I do think I could definitely use some improvement in my assertive skills and accept things/believing I deserve things just as much as the next person. When it comes to parking spots, there are only so many, which makes it sort of a race to get in. But with most other goals in life, if you follow your own track and believe you can get there, you will do so at a pace that works for you.
Im excited to hear more about these “goals”you have for yourself!
Agree with most of that, I have certainly seen my share of people walking on others to get what they want, and I don’t want any part of that. I want to learn how to not fear opportunity and to actually look for it in places I’d typically be too timid to. Something to work on for me!
I am pretty bold about taking parking spots and arguing in parking lots (ha) but I have learned to be a bit more shy about it since we never know who we are dealing with. Lately I just take a relaxed approach and let the other driver take the darn spot which was mine but they feel was all them. I just find another one…while cursing with my windows up.
I can sort of picture that, especially for LI and for some reason while reading your comment I was thinking of Tanger outlets! That parking lot seems to bring out the worst in people 🙂 There is something about our area in particular with parking, I think!
I am not sure what this says about me..but I aways park in the back of the parking lot and end up making it to the door before the other people get out of their car. I am not a fan of waiting for things (I really am quite impatient in general!) and just prefer to get it done- even if it means parking at the back of the lot just to get moving more quickly.
That is what my mom used to do and we would make fun of her for it, although she would seem to park as far away from any other cars as possible! I think it’s a sign you march to your own beat, don’t worry about what others think, and probably that you’re not afraid of a little walking too 🙂
I have to agree with Mike!!!! I will courteously wait, myself, but I also know that I don’t like to pass on a good opportunity. If i “take” a spot over someone else i would be afraid that they would do something like key my car, HAHA!!! Oh the drama.
I want to write a book someday too 🙂 I’ve said that since I was a little kid, lets work on our dreams!!
I do think it’s totally possible to work on dreams, be assertive and still be a good person. In fact, I think when we learn how to be assertive but not aggressive, we are happier and kinder to people in general. Cheers to working on those dreams 🙂
I tend to jump at opportunity, and then shy away over time. I need to find the determination to stick with things, rather than getting to the point that I am doing things half heartedly.
I know what you’re saying, because I think I see my husband doing that. He is also much better at parking spots than I am 😉 We are good for each other because he’s stubborn about leaping and I’m stubborn with holding on 🙂
I can so relate.. I’m definitely more passive than aggressive when it comes to opportunity. I read this post this morning and thought it was great and very relevant to your post: http://snacktherapy.com/2014/12/04/the-platinum-rule/
I will definitely be checking that out. Glad you related to this! It’s a big area of self improvement to embark on for me.
I know exactly what you mean — I struggle with the same thing. Although not with driving, oddly enough. I’m a really assertive driver, but much more passive when it comes to opportunities in life. It’s something I’m constantly having to work on now that I’m blogging and growing my own business, especially because I don’t want to be the a**hole that I notice a lot of those go-getters turn into. It’s a tough balance to find.
Funny, because I’m pretty sure people who turn into a$$holes weren’t worried about becoming one to begin with, so I think you are fine that way. I think people like us are probably too focused on NOT being that person, and wind up doing ourselves disservice. Although whatever you are doing, you are doing it well which speaks to Lisa and Mike’s point about getting there your own way. It certainly is a balance and I’m in the beginning stages of navigating it all!
Love this post! I love how you took the daily practice of parking and applied it to a deeper struggle in your life!
I’ve never understood parking aggressiveness. After I spend how many minutes circling the block or lot to find a closer spot, am I really going to get to my destination faster than if I just grabbed a spot farther back and got it over with? I’m guessing no.
I definitely struggle with being assertive. I think it’s just my personality – I’m very risk-averse and introverted and a planner, so I tend to think about things a lot before making a decision. I’ve gotten much better about it though. Sometimes I just have to force myself to ignore the excuses and say “yes”. It’s how I finally started my own blog, went on a trip to El Salvador last year, and ran my first marathon!! 🙂
Oh I can so relate to all that you said! My personality has always been that way too, and while I’m content being this way, it’s hard NOT to see how you can prevent yourself from reaching goals by being timid. I am someone with a lot of excuses too. For a long time they seemed perfectly valid and now I see the excuses and hesitation for what they are!
I love the parking lot analogy. Funny, I jumped at opportunity when I was in my late teens and early 20s and then sort of become more pasive. Or life knocked me down bit. 🙂 Now I feel I am getting it back a bit.
Interesting how things changed for you. If anything I’ve slowly gotten better over the years, and when I was younger I was scared of any risk at all. Glad you feel you are getting it back, and since you have experience I’m sure it will be easier to find your voice and go for what you want.
I used to be more passive, but over the past year, I have become much more aggressive. I am trying to be less of a “doormat” for people. That has always been one of my biggest weaknesses. I am a people pleaser… That has always led me to agree to things that may not have been in my best interest.
Great thoughts!!
I think my first “step” is the same – saying no and setting boundaries. That has been tough enough, and now I’d love to learn how to seek out opportunities for myself that I know I want! Scary, and tough, but I don’t want to look back and regret not stepping out of my bubble.
First off, yay for you writing a book and starting a business!!! you totally will and both will be amazing 🙂
This is such a meaningful post, and another one I can relate to. Even though I am very assertive in some areas, like when it comes to letting restaurants/waiters know how I want my food, I am a bit hesitant when it comes to other things: speaking up for myself in uncomfortable situations – not the easiest and I get overwhelmed, speechless even. Like ‘raising my hand’ like in class, I was the same way… I always had so much to say but held back, like I would lose my voice and nerve but wish I spoke up. there were moments in life where I did quite well at speaking up, especially when I loved the teacher or fasilitator, but those times were unique I suppose. These days, I dislike speaking up in meetings at work, and feel fumbly and awkward. However those that know me call me “Sally” from When Harry Met Sally because that’s how I always am about ordering food… but I am very polite and never rude, so I just don’t see the harm in asking for specific things. Plus I have been in the restaurant industry so it’s not like I don’t know what needs to happen. Okay I’m spinning out on another tangent, lol!
I will probably never fight someone over a parking spot, it’s just not worth it to me anymore.. but I will take a good one if it’s clearly there just for me and celebrate victoriously in my head 🙂 Most days I just park further away to get the whole ordeal done with!
It’s interesting how in some areas that we feel more comfortable in we can be assertive while in other situations the idea of asking for what we want causes anxiety. I guess it’s a lot better than feeling intimidated all the time! I know that overwhelmed and speechless feeling, and what makes it worse is that I see it happen with my oldest daughter now, and it’s like I’m not sure how to help her! So when I want to figure these things out for myself, I have my kids in mind as well.
I definitely have never actually fought over a parking spot, and I’m the one to let someone else have it to avoid confrontation. Many times in my area we are dealing with no options for parking so the far away thing doesn’t even work!
I am so that kid that waits to raise their hand and misses the chance! I still do that sometimes in meetings and I hate it!! Thankfully the older I get, the better I keep getting at being assertive.
I think age and self awareness allows people like us to work on becoming more assertive. It’s a process though for those of us who naturally hesitate and second guess ourselves. Glad you related to this and thanks for sharing 🙂
I definitely have a fear of failure. I don’t know if I miss opportunities or am just to scared to jump at them but I know fearing that I’ll screw it up is a part of it. Just putting it out there that you want to start a business and write a book is huge! Good for you!
Haha thanks 🙂 And I can relate to that fear of failure, or being judged and just not meeting standards. I think that is at least part of the hesitation factor.
I always park far away from the enterance of whatever place I’m going in. That way, I never have trouble finding a spot. I do this for a variety of reasons, one because I hate the finding a parking spot game, I get to walk further and walking is good, and it’s safer for my car. I’m yet to be hit! But maybe…. it’s for some of the reasons you discussed? I really liked this post.
Glad this made you think! Walking is definitely a good thing! There are definitely a few people who responded with that same approach. I actually think it probably means you’re fine with marching to your own beat 🙂
I believe our best qualities as human beings is a smart, keen, intuitive, inquisitive intellect and a warm, kind, loving heart. If you don’t possess those you have nothing going for you as far as I am concerned. I have always followed and achieved my goals and dreams. Not in a pushy way, but as an independent loner. Being pushy gets you nowhere and makes one not likable. Being an attorney for so many years, unfortunately I have experienced pompous, obnoxious, self-absorbed people in boat fulls. It is ugly and a complete turn off. Having goals and being self driven by them is a positive trait. One I highly respect in my husband and my two successful young adult children. I think it comes from possssing a positive self-image and self worth. Michele, you show dignity and self-respect each and everyday on your blog. If you have unfulfilled goals and dreams, go after them girl. Being passive is different then having no ego or self-esteem. It just means you have not motived yourself enough to just go for it! Being timid is different then being polished and refined. Timidness permits people to take advantage of you. Whereas the latter two allows you to present yourself in a positive light, but still be commanding when necessary.
I agree with what you’re saying about being aggressive, and I’ve seen it too and feel it’s a turn off. I hope to be able to find the courage to be more assertive and go for what I want without worrying about the “what ifs”
Thanks for all your kind words and I really appreciate such a well thought out response to a personal issue I’ve put out there 🙂
Are we the same person only, oh, years and countries apart? Because you described me almost spot on here. I was always the girl waiting too long to raise my hand in school even if I knew the answer or being just a second too late to get the best options elsewhere in life. I should make it a goal to say yes once an opportunity offers itself up …
I -will- rush for the parking spot, though, I’m terrible at parking so once I spy a spot I can’t be [overly] considerate of others.
As far as the goals you mention having for your future go: Chase them!! Any publisher reading your blog should be pleading you to write a book. You really have the skills needed. Just take this post as an example: you turned a mundane situation like the search for a parking spot into a brilliantly thought-provoking post.
First, I’m really glad you related to this. There’s always that part of me before hitting “publish” that wonders if people will get what I’m saying, so, thanks for that! Second, thank you for supporting and believing in me! You are way too kind! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Let’s make it a goal to find and jump at opportunities!
I continue to love learning and appreciate it more as an adult/as a teacher.
I love learning as well! Hopefully will never stop.
Thought provoking! And I think I tend to go after things that I want, without hesitating too much. But a little analysis never hurt anyone, either, just not over analysis that paralyzes!
True, finding that balance somewhere in the middle is key. I need to get further over to where you are and turn off the excuses and doubt.
hmmm. i am definitely “assertive” (um, rude??) when i was younger, i was rude in being assertive and i only cared about what I wanted and would do anything to get it. something that i have worked a ton on as i’ve gotten older is to be assertive while paying close attention to how it might make others feel and trying always to make sure that in getting what i want doesn’t impede on others. it’s a work in progress but i really have become “nicer” as i’ve gotten older and it’s something i am most proud of! regarding parking, i am just not lazy in general so i will park in the first spot that is open – even if it is the farthest away! of course, i don’t have 3 kids to trek with me so that is easier.