There’s me, on the left, alongside my RAE (Running Alter Ego). When I first started running eight years ago, I noticed right off that bat that I seemed to have this RAE and that she was nearly everything I wasn’t at that point in my life. I was going through a time of really tough, life-altering decisions and I was feeling scared, guilty, and doubtful of my choices, three things that were too familiar to me through most of my young years. But, when I started running, the person who’s feet hit the pavement basically said to hell with all that other bullsh*t. She didn’t feel emotional pain at all and she laughed off physical pain. In fact, she laughed at pretty much everything, including me. She told me to follow the feeling in my gut, to stop wasting time telling myself I sucked, and she taught me the power of positive thinking. She never thought, “what if I’m not fast enough” or “I’m scared of looking like an idiot” or “I’m screwing up my life and I’ll never pull it together”. Never. Instead, she didn’t consider the possibility that she was anything less than awesome, smart, funny, fun, strong, fast, and powerful. DID NOT CONSIDER. Not only was she unafraid of life but she LOVED life and was excited about the future. But, the sad thing is that, for years, I said goodbye and put her in the closet along with my running shoes each day. And, although I knew that she was still there somewhere, I flat out ignored her when I wasn’t running.
Fast forward to 2012, the year I started racing. After living and running through the challenges of having 3 kids, my RAE slowly started popping up “in real life” and I decided to bring her out of the dark at a 5k race. I wasn’t sure how it would play out. Well it turned out not quite like the Superman/Clark phenomenon where I put the clothes on and made the switch, I realized I actually had to BE RUNNING before she appeared. I was so nervous and self-doubting before this ridiculous little 5k, (even though I was running consistently 6-8 miles at the time), that I nearly psyched myself out before the darn thing even started. I was somehow certain that I was not cut out for “racing”. After repeating to myself “this is what you do, this is what your body does” over and over during the first 1/4 mile or so, she did finally show up.
Over the course of the next several months I entered lots of 5 and 10k’s and my RAE began to develop a larger presence in my life. There were now other people who witnessed her existence (I was always a solo early am runner) and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I realized that for all those years the reason I put her in the closet was that I FEARED HER CONFIDENCE. She was not a “good girl”, she spoke her mind, was honest, proud, did not give a sh*t if she put makeup on that morning and certainly did not care what anyone thought of her. She had fun and was funny. She passed people when they were struggling that last mile and didn’t look back. I had a hard time accepting that SHE WAS AND IS ME.
I still, while driving along a road that I ran 10 miles on that very morning, can’t always believe I am that girl. But while I kept my RAE hidden away, over time I realize that running really was beginning to shape me as a person, and teach me about life through its inherent metaphore. The creation of this blog has been a huge leap for me in “coming out of the closet” as a runner. Never before did I give myself the opportunity to share my RAE with people and just let go and admit that this is a lot of who I’ve always been.
You pretty much never need to look further than the Wizard Of Oz for all the really important life lessons. It’s obviously no coincidence that what each character was searching for the whole time was not only with them all along, but it was arguably each of their primary strengths and they were the last to figure it out. I am not saying I am some kind of amazing runner or anything, but rather that running has helped me to cut through the negative, limiting nonsense that tends to creep into my head and use the voice of my RAE in everyday life, because let’s face it – life is too short and precious to keep that beeyoch in the closet all day!
What do you guys think about a RAE – do you feel like you have one? How has running helped you approach your non-running life differently? Do you ever discover parts of yourself that you might not if you didn’t run? How would you describe yourself as a runner? As a person?
I’d have to say I am just competitive by nature and running allows me to push myself. No run is ever the same and it is always great to see if you can go farther and faster. The mental battles are great….to stop, to push, to keep going when you are tired, hot, and have every reason to quit. Who is going to know anyhow? You will! They say the true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching. The endorphin rush is also to die for. It’s so easy to throw on some running clothes and head out the door. I have to say if I don’t run, I get cranky and fidgety.
Yup, I’ve often thought of that quote regarding character! And agree endorphins are pretty awesome 🙂
yes, yes, yes, and more yes. my rae still doesn’t always show up in the same form in my real life…but she does help me to hold my head up, look people in the eye, believe in myself, find my voice. there are still tons (TONS) of people that don’t really know the running side of me, and i’m ok with that. what they don’t realize is that they are reaping all the benefits of my hidden rae.
i’ve literally never thought of it in this way, and i love it. love. i’m pretty sure that you’ve changed my life by introducing me to the vocabulary of rae. i’ve always just said silly things like, “running makes me a better person.” this resonates with me on a deep level. day made! thank you so much michele!!!
I’ve always felt this way but the idea of a RAE just popped in my head and made perfect sense 🙂 I joke to my husband that I’m like clark kent and superman when he would make fun of me for not wanting to get my hair wet in the rain and other wimpy acts (but you did a 7 mile run in a blizzard?) and I’m still not sure he really gets it though. Made my day that you relate!
Running definitely helps me sort through my thoughts. Oh, how clear things seem after a run! When something is bugging me about work, or I don’t know how to handle a situation with a student, a run usually brings me closer to the right answer.
Yes! I love how clearheaded I am right after a run, best feeling 🙂
Wow, so true about Wizard of Oz! Hadn’t thought of it that way before. (And typically we all fall into one of the three categories of needing to access our “brain”, “heart” or “nerve.”) I agree we always have the capacity for so much more than we realize. Thank you for such a positive, insightful, and eloquent message!
I also love “If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.” Always makes me think!
Yes! I definitely do – though at this point there is a certain symbiotic nature to the relationship. That is much more recent – for 20 years my RAE was hidden, it allowed me to stay thin, and I ran in the early AM darkness (still do most days) … but now rather than being something I DO, it is part of WHO I AM.
Very good post and idea … gets you thinking … 🙂
I love that over the years the rae becomes more “you”. Makes me wonder who I’d be if I never started running. Glad you enjoyed!
dang i love this! i totally get what you’re saying!! and for me, it’s more than just a running alter ego but my overall fitness alter ego. somedays i wake up just feeling “heavier”: burdened, anxious, doubtful, and maybe the worst– unsure whether to fight it or to just let it be. most of those days start out pretty funky, but whenever i hit the gym, my true lively self comes out and i am re-energized! it’s pretty awesome. because at least in those times i know (even if i don’t fully believe it), i’m only a workout away from a smile 🙂
That’s maybe the best part of working out/running! Knowing that you’ll get out there and feel great with a fresh perspective is such a big motivator to keep going 🙂