Fear of the unknown – the subject of this post applies to running, life and anything and everything in between. I’m going to share some personal struggles I have and have had with my own fear of the unknown and all the avoidance, denial, attempts at control, and other maladaptive ways of coping that I’ve seen myself cling to when life gets scary.
Fear of Pain
My life is full of examples of how I’ve attempted to control my fear of pain. The pain I’ve consciously and unconsciously inflicted on myself is much safer than potential pain coming from outside forces that I can’t control. Some people might look at me as a runner and say that training for and running marathons in and of itself is an attempt at inflicting a controlled degree of pain on myself at regular predictable intervals, in order to “train” myself to deal with pain of unknown origin. There is some truth to this, although running now occupies a place near and dear to me in my life, I do find comfort in creating stress and some pain in my life because I feel it makes me stronger. And why do I need to be stronger? Because of what’s out there, that I’m currently unaware of, that might require me to be as strong as I possibly can be. Of course, a higher VO2 max and the ability to run 26.2 miles if I had to will not save me from most of the pain I fear. But it makes me feel good to know I’m keeping my body strong. What do you think? Does the pain, or sometimes-uncomfortable self discipline we inflict upon ourselves train us for the pain that might await us? Or is it a maladaptive way of dealing with the fear?
Fear of Emotional Unraveling
This is similar to the fear of pain, although with this I’m focusing only on emotional pain and potential unraveling. The fear of “losing my sh*t” if you will. We all experience emotions, and at some point we’ve all had some scary emotions that made us feel out of control, possibly helpless, hopeless, and just all around horrible. This is part of being human and part of living. But, from a social perspective, most of us are uncomfortable discussing these emotional experiences and they do continue to hold a great stigma in society so we a) avoid them b) deny them c) try to control for them d) let them damage our self esteem and trust in ourselves or e) some combination of the above. So how have I dealt? This is a big one I’m working on. Again here running is a large part of how I’ve dealt with this fear for all of my adult life. Running purely as a physical activity releases endorphins that help me feel a lot more “in control” of my emotions in daily life, this is a major reason why I continue to do it regardless of goals or races or whatever. I’m able to process and deal with emotions so much more productively when I’m running and for hours afterwards. It’s a great thing, mostly. Running can also be a way to avoid things in life that are causing great stress. For example, 2 years ago when my daughter, then 5, was diagnosed with juvenile onset scoliosis that progressed really quickly, on the surface I was dealing with it really well. But inside, I was avoiding emotions. I was tunnel-vision focused on my running, and, although I thought it was helping me deal with the emotions around her condition and eventually impending surgery, I was running from my own fear of falling apart. I would have nightmares about her surgery and then go out and run miles and miles to forget about it. It sort of “worked” but I never really dealt with any of it, and by the time she had recovered from surgery I was heading toward injury, underweight, and my overall health was kind of a mess.
Fear of Regret
Fear of regret is similar to a fear of failure for me, except it includes all the nagging little thoughts of what I should be doing, should have done, wanted to do, want to do, promised myself I would do, etc. All of the dreams I’ve had and plans I’ve made in the timeline of my life, beginning somewhere around “become a famous singer” at age 5 to “write a book” at age 15 to “build a meaningful career” at age 22 and ends with where I’m at now, with lots of little life chapters completed but seemingly more and more being discovered now than ever before. Does that make any sense? Basically, there’s a lot I want to do in my life, and a lot I feel I’m capable of that I haven’t made happen yet, and I fear that I might never make any of it happen and have to live with the regret of not knowing what could have been. So I keep myself busy with “projects.” Maybe it’s a marathon, a blog (this has turned into quite a project) a coaching business, or even cooking experiments. I try to do a lot so that hopefully when I look back, I won’t be able to find a place for regret. The problem here is that I’m still not sure what it is that I really want to do. So I do a lot of things, and hope that I can feel proud of these accomplishments. But there are still many things sitting on the shelf that are staring at me as I’m writing, and I know that if I don’t go visit them at some point, I WILL regret it. Only one life and only so much time.
What are your biggest fears and how have you coped with them?
Fear of change is a biggie for me. I’m such a creature of habit that I get anxious when things start changing and I can’t control them!
That’s a big one for so many people!
Fear of regret is a big one for me. I’m always worried about what I “should” be doing or what’s next in life because I’m afraid if I don’t stay on top of everything I will miss out on some chance and I will regret that someday down the road. I’m working on asking myself if I’m happy in this moment and if the answer is yes then I remind myself that I’m doing enough right now and worrying about regret won’t solve anything.
I’m a little surprised that so many people related to this one, but then I thought about it and it makes so much sense for our generation, with all the exposure to social media we are more aware than ever of what’s out there for us to potentially “miss.” You totally have the right attitude about this. Again it comes down to asking ourselves hard questions and being honest.
I had to come to terms with fear vs excitement a while ago, and learn that fear is linked (for me) to anticipation or anxiety over doing something that I might regret, or that is linked to potential physical harm. Excitment might mean that I simply don’t know what is coming next. Understanding the differences between the 2 helps me channel my energy better, so that I can use the power for good, as it were.
That makes sense and is a good approach to dealing with that unsettled feeling. Excitement and anxiety are easily intertwined for me.
Beautiful post MIchele! I love the way you open up to your readers, it is amazing 🙂 I think for me my biggest fear is the fear of “the Should Have’s” —I “shouldve done this instead” leads to the “whatifs”. But I feel like i have been trying to let that all go and live in the NOW instead!!!
Thank you! It’s helpful for me to use the blog this way sometimes and hopefully people can think about their own lives too. Living in the now is really tough! You seem to have it together in this dept. and I always appreciate your positive attitude toward life!
Fear of wasting my life is probably the biggest one for me… I’ve dealt without enough pain and emotional unravelling in my life to know that I’m strong enough to get through those things, but I’m terrified of waking up one day when I’m older and wishing that I had done more. Heck… it took me forever to get to a place in life where I kind of know what direction I want to go in, and sometimes I can’t help but look back at all those years and feel like I wasted my time… even though in my head I know that it was all an important part of the journey.
I really think this is a huge one in our generation – and probably others, but I think the explosion of social media plays into this fear because we have too much awareness of what everyone else is up to. Like you I really don’t believe in “time wasted” yet I relate to the feeling of wanting to spend my time doing what’s important to me!
I think the pain we feel while training or pain from disciplined lifestyle choices is different. There is a pay off- being able to run a race, PR’ing, BQing, etc, etc, etc. It’s not like we just do it to do it. Plus, most people who run to the extreme that we do LOVE running in itself. Sure, it is painful, but we love it. We get to go outside, we get to have alone time, listen to music, eat more (haha!), etc,etc, etc.
As for the emotion part, it could definitely go either way. Running can help us avoid dealing with things we don’t want to deal with. I know I love when I can get out for a run an NOT think about Paul’s health. It makes life feel normal for 45 min. I’m running, life is good, all is well. I’ll go back to reality when I get home. But then again, running also helps me sort through emotions. It’s way cheaper than drugs or a shrink! I know I personally use running for both things. Sometimes I just want to think about NOTHING and then sometimes when I run I think about my problems and face them head on. It’s very weird! Thank you for this topic, I am definitely thinking now!
My biggest fear is losing my husband. The only way to cope with it is to deal with things one day at a time. Deal with the information we are given. Not what COULD happen, MIGHT happen, or even WILL happen. Deal with what is going on RIGHT NOW. And live life as normal as possible. Otherwise, we’re wasting valuable time.
I am the same way with running at times being a way to escape and not think and other times it allows me to think deeper than ever. I really feel for you with your husband’s health issues. Health is a big scary thing for me and always has been. And one day at a time is the only way to approach it that allows you to live normally.
Thanks so much for sharing Michele!
Just observing, but I think you could sum all of those up as ‘fear of the unknown’ … and it is definitely something I deal with. Look at it this way:
– Fear of pain – accepting ‘known’ pain to deal with unknown pain.
– Fear of ‘losing your sh&t’ – if all of my emotions were just ‘out there’ … what would happen, would people still love me? Which then feeds into fear of being alone and so on.
– Fear of regret – again, fear of making the wrong choice is all about the unknown.
I think these are all natural things, and definitely make sense.
Thanks again for sharing!
Very real fears for a lot of us. Glad you enjoyed this post!
Hi Michele,
I do believe in the concept of inflicting some pain on myself in order to get through any tough times that MAY be ahead. After running my first marathon, I wasn’t afraid of any athletic adventure after that. I did my first (short/sprint) triathlon after completing my first marathon. It didn’t even occur to me to think that renting a wet suit and jumping in boston harbor for a half mile swim (having not done laps or anything for at least 15 years) was any big deal. I thought “I did a marathon! I can do anything!” And the triathlon really wasn’t that hard. Mental toughness can get us through a lot. Hungry Runner Girl blog had great quotes today – one of my favorites was “Competitive toughness is an acquired skill and not an inherited gift.” -Chris Evert. So I think you touched on something here – electing to endure some pain is necessary I think. Others may think we’re crazy but they don’t know what they’re missing and how this type of training can make us happier by being able to endure a lot. 🙂
Great post – thanks!
Amanda
Really an interesting concept and very glad you related to this. I like your perspective because it’s something I’ve always felt. Like anything though, there is a line that some of us cross and do too much. It’s sometimes hard to know when we’re making ourselves stronger and when we’re running away from problems or hurting ourselves. Thanks so much for your input!
Definitely identify with this post – thanks for sharing something so personal. My biggest fears revolve around my kids, although, on a whole, I think most fears are summed up by the concept of discomfort. I’m afraid of the things you shared, but, in a larger sense, I’m just plain afraid of not being comfortable. I’m not comfortable when pain’s involved – emotional or physical – or change. I think Amanda’s comment is spot-on: unless we make life about something more than keeping ourselves comfortable, we’ll never get out of the shadow of fear.
Fear of not experiencing & doing everything I want to do in my life. I have SO many aspirations and goals that I often find myself having to put them on hold for one thing or another – mother’s heart surgery, foot stress fracture, work obligations, etc. It’s always something & the years just pass me by. Running has always allowed me to compartmentalize & organize how I tackle those priorities & accept where I’m at with those things. Not being able to do that this year, has made dealing with those things very difficult.
I can totally relate. Time seems to fly and it’s never a “good time” to pursue dreams. I definitely worry about looking back with regret, but ultimately know the process of living can be messy and won’t looked like I want it to, but this doesn’t mean it’s wasted. I’m so sorry you’ve had a rough time with injuries! It’s interesting what happens when the way we cope is taken away from us. I usually dive into something totally new. I guess that’s how paleo happened.
Your last 3 sentences – totally! I usually find a new “obsession” or “hobby” to replace my lost coping mechanism. It’s really necessary (for me) in order to keep sane and feel some control or purpose. Awesome thoughts for discussion – your readers’ feedback was great too.
Yes, really relate to that. And I appreciate your and everyone else’s feedback on this subject 🙂
I think fear of regret and missing out on an experience that was important for me are huge. This post really made me think. I appreciate your honesty so much. Thank you for sharing and have a lovely weekend.:-)
Thanks, I try to be honest on the blog for my own benefit and hopefully so people can read and relate 🙂 I think fear of missing out is really amplified for our generation with the huge social media boom. We are now well aware of everything that everyone else does and it can lead to a fear that we’re not doing enough, or the right things. Have a great weekend 🙂
I used to be petrified of the unknown, however, since moving to Los Angeles, that has changed because my life changes at the drop of the hat, CONSTANTLY. I could be sitting in my PJs at home watching a movie one night, only to be at an event 20 minutes later! It takes one call, email, knock on the door, and my life changes. While I used to stress about these unknown factors, I officially embrace them!
I’m pretty sure I’m not wired to be that spontaneous but indefinitely envy those who live that way! Stepping out of my comfort zone and tackling uncertainty and fear head on is a lifelong project. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Loved this post Michelle! I share so many of your fears especially of regret – I hate feeling like I’m missing out on any valuable life experiences! Running is definitely a great coping mechanism but I do agree that it’s easy to take it too far, especially when you’re stressed.
Thanks, glad you related to this! Hopefully I’m passed the days of taking it too far, but self awareness is key and I’m trying to remain honest with myself.